Facts You need to know to protect Yourself
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You can’t protect yourself from who they are. You can only protect yourself from what they try to do to you.
You can’t compete with them or who they are. They’re covert, cunning and very clever at what they do. Don’t expect this to change.
They possess amazing and very powerful engaging skills, often extreme. You and I can’t compete with their skill at creating attention and engaging contact with anyone who they feel is useful to them. It can be unstoppable. Don’t try to compete.
An NBP player can switch on a super charming, seductive (almost hypnotic) style when setting up a new engagement, restoring control after an attempted disengagement or rebuilding an engagement that is getting weaker.
If they find that sex helps they will use it, even as the primary way to build a stronger engagement or enmeshment.
They are never going to be happy about you feeling happy or successful
Deep inside the NBP player does not feel confident, happy or successful. That’s what all their magic skills and masks are there for, to hide those issues.
They are never going to be comfortable about you having those positive feelings or experiencing success. Your joy of life, your self esteem, your skills are thorns in their side.. They will constantly be seeking ways to undermine these qualities in you.
Nothing you try to solve their problems will ever be good enough
This is part of their strategy to stop you feeling good about yourself. They start with a problem (their fears their sadness, their disappointment, etc.) But it gets presented as a problem that you are responsible for and you are expected to fix. Be warned.
No matter what you do it will never be good enough. Why? Because the NBP player wants drama and attention, not the calmness of a problem solved. If you were successful they wouldn’t feel comfortable with your success anyway.
Note: The better you are in life at solving problems the more you can expect this pattern to be repeated for as long as you keep joining in.
They do not want to change anything about the way they treat you
NBP players have two opposite views about changing. They are very resistant to making any change inside themselves or about how they treat you.
Don’t waste your energy asking for that kind of change or even hoping things might get a bit better. Unless you can convince them the change will make them look better in they eyes of other people (not just you). Then they will be wanting it as soon as possible.
Asking for, hoping for, or expecting an improvement is a waste of time
NBP is an empathy free and a boundary free zone. NBP behaviour can be cruel or heartless because the games are so strongly self-serving. Explaining why you would like to be treated better or pleading for truth, justice or empathy will fall on deaf ears.
If today you are still defending, explaining, or reasoning when you know from past experience that it cannot produce any improvement, that’s a sign that, to some extent, you still believe an NBP player and accepting the labels they are putting on you.
If they feel hurt by anything you say or do, that must mean you intended it to hurt them
When an NBP player feels wounded inside they see that wounding as caused by people or things or events outside of them. They not only blame that “outside force or “other person” they also see the wounding as aimed directly at them and intentional!
A perception of a threat (real or imagined) to the NBP player's self-worth is seen as a knife in their back. Wounding is “all about me”. It’s my pain. Your pain doesn’t count. An NBP player sees all wounding real or imaginary as intentionally aimed at them and meant to hurt them, which justifies their right to launch a counter attack.
NBP players love a perfect storm
Be aware that NBP player's dishonesty, unfairly based criticism or unjust blaming is nothing more than a strategy to maintain engagement and hide their own pain.
Getting you to feel upset this way means you are going to forget the reality that you cannot possibly win and instead stay very connected as you try to defend yourself. That’s a “perfect storm” in the eyes of the NBP. It’s better to disengage as fast as you can.
Hi-jacking your issues (personalizing)
Your issues are quickly turned into their issues. You say “I’m a bit short of money this week.” An NBP player hears this as a direct accusation by you that they are not paying their share and attacks you for this. Don’t try to reason with them. Disengage.
They are either unwilling or unable to grow up emotionally and you cannot change this no matter how hard you try. Even trying puts you at risk.
Remind yourself that deep inside they are haunted by:
1. A sense of not being able to grow up.
2. A fear that they will never be adequate, never good enough, never successful enough.
These are not ordinary fears, for an NBP player they are extreme! That’s the reason they have to be so good at doing the things they do to protect themselves. Forget that for one moment and you are in danger.
* There is nothing you can do to fix this. Facing the reality about their own faults, fears and failings is too terrifying. If you try to talk with and NBP about this, even in the most calm and kind hearted fashion you will be met with rage or a counter-attack so powerful that you will have no choice but to retreat.
* Even offering empathy and understanding is dangerous because you are letting them you know you know about those fears , the ones they are working so hard to hide from you and the rest of the world.
You can never have a long term, grown up relationship with an NBP Player. True intimacy is not on their menu
A relationship with an NBP player gets more tricky the more different patterns or signposts they are displaying.
What are your chances of success with a person who makes and breaks promises, has not grown up emotionally and wears masks to hide their fears, faults and failings. Someone who stirs up a storm if you as a grown up partner tries to talk about relationship problems. Someone who can’t be comfortable if you are feeling confident in yourself or experiencing success?
A person who fears true commitment and can’t handle real intimacy?
Watch out for a Pretend, short-term change or promise of commitment
Commitment would create far more problems than benefits for them. But they can do a powerful pretend or promise to set up a relationship, or friendship including pretend caring and commitment when they want something from you, as long as they are not stuck with the limitations of a long term grown-up kind of relationship.
Face it, any kind of relationship involving NBP cannot possibly work out the way you want it to. Disengage.
You will experience emotional pain
Anyone on the receiving end of NB Patterns will experience emotional pain. Trying to get the NBP player to acknowledge yours will lead to limited, if any, change or genuine remorse. They can fake empathy, if they have an appreciative audience to give them some empathy in return for the pain they will claim you are causing them!
Your emotional pain will be severe. You are powerless to stop this pain until you disengage. Then you’ll have to go through a painful withdrawal, but it’s worth it.
Facing Reality about NBP Players
There are some areas where you are almost powerless
Also on this website
More Pages on this website and in your free book:
Websites in our Growing Awareness and Flying Awareness Series -
|Checklist for NBP|
|No power over NBP|
|Avoid labelling with NBP|
|Your PowerOver NBP|
|Games NBP Play|
|NBP Case Studies|
|How NBP is created|
|Anti labelling Kit|
|More notes on NBP|
|Don't Give Your power Away|
|Question old rules|
|Sorces of Power|
|Self Defeating RSDP|
|DTD Developmental Trauma Disorder|
|Is it Safe for me to Change|
|Personal or Impersonal|
|The Path and the Holes|
|More About John Nutting|