Facts You need to know to protect Yourself
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DISCLAIMER: Growing Awareness Pty Ltd as publishers of this web-site and John Bligh Nutting as author do not dispense or recommend medical or psychiatric advice, nor prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for any diagnosable medical or psychiatric condition. Any such action should only be taken by you as your personal choice and either directly or indirectly on the advice of a physician or a qualified therapist.
Games NBP Players Enjoy
(as long as you join in)
Gifts and Promises that just evaporate
NBP players can make the most wonderful, most believable, most seductive promises because they know exactly the kind of promise you and I most want to hear from their lips. The catch is that the promise is only about a future gift or something wonderful they plan to do with you some time in the future such as commitment. But it’s linked to something they need you to do for them right now! If you believe the promise you will of course deliver promptly as required.
So then there is no need for the NBP player to go through with their promise! It evaporates. No wonder they love this game.
Discussing words, details or meanings that don’t make sense is a trick to keep the drama at a higher level.
Whenever you find yourself back again, stuck in yet another heated discussion with an NBP player, regardless of the topic, that means you have got yourself back playing yet another round of the NBP player’s favourite game.
While you make might feel you are making absolutely no progress trying to make sense of the content (facts, details or meanings) you are continuing to make the NBP player a very happy person!
The best games for them are the ones that start with a totally unlikely prediction or a false accusation because you get hooked right in talking about facts, real evidence, logical reasoning or trying to defend your point of view.
The longer you remain engaged the more you are supplying them with their favourite “fix,” their drug of choice, drama and attention. The NBP doesn’t want to sort anything out with you because then the drama would end.
Accusing you or blaming you for something you could not possibly have done.
It doesn’t matter how much evidence you have to prove your innocence. The game has nothing to do with justice. It’s about engagement, just an NBP trick to keep you more closely connected with them. The more time and energy you spend trying to defend yourself the happier the NBP player will be and you still won’t win anyway.
Once upon a time you said _ _ (one word)_ that irritated the NBP player
They will bring this word up again and again, weeks, months, even years later, as they criticise you one more time for using that word and remind you again how wrong that was of you.
Whatever the word was, to the NBP player it was a very bad word and you were totally at fault for saying it.
Creating a Golden child
One child is singled out by an NBP parent and promoted to “golden-child” status. They are required to end all contact with the other parent in order to stay put as the golden child.
Hi-jacking your close friends or a family member
The NBP player will naturally want to get more attention from your friends or your children than you receive. Over time, they may decide the time and attention has to be theirs alone. That means getting you right out of the picture. Once an NBP player decides you need to be excluded they will set up a powerful engagement process with the other person, described as hi-jacking. The NBP player will convince your friend or family member that they have to end contact with you. The closer an NBP player's relationship is with you the more likely one or two of your best friends or even a family member being hi-jacked.
Have you ever introduced a long term friend to your NBP partner?
Have you noticed how quickly the two of them form a strong bond which at first seems so good for everyone.
Then slowly you find yourself somehow being moved a bit further away. In some cases your old friend may cease contacting you altogether.
You will have no idea why and if you ask your old friend about it your question will be sidestepped.
Your friend has been hi-jacked, and while they will feel some shame about letting this happen it’s understandable that they don’t want to talk about that with you.
Re-telling their story of how someone else was totally to blame for a past failure especially a relationship breakdown
Regularly they like to retell the same story of how their ex-partners (from their past) were totally responsible for the failure of those relationships whether business or personal. The theme of each story is how they could never even be partly to blame.
When one thing doesn’t work NBP players try the opposite way
Example: When an NBP player discovers they can no longer control you they will instead try to control the way others see you. See case study D
Or they may start attacking someone else you care about. See case study E
NBP players love delivering a long line of negative “you ...” label messages, one after the other. That’s known as the Flaws Galore game or a negative inventory. Usually the inventory is delivered face to face but sometimes it is done by letter, over the phone or by e-mail. Their one-way inventory, label after label, goes something like this, non-stop.
“You are .............”
“You always .............”
“You think you are .............”
“You don’t .............”
“You can’t .............”
“You won’t .............”
“You’ll never .............”
“You make me feel sad .............”
“You make me so angry .............”
“You always hurt me ......”
“You’re cruel ....”
“You’re stupid!/ wrong / an idiot / dumb.”
“You haven’t got a clue!”
“You’re crazy .............”
“You need .....(psychiatric)...... help!”
“You don’t have the slightest .............”
“You’re a loser .............”
“You just .............”
You need strong boundaries to make sure their repetition doesn’t start to undermine you and you need to disengage very quickly or you’ll get caught up trying to reject the labels. It’s best to block the whole package with a single rejection. Remind yourself “Who I am and how much I matter in the World is none of their business.”
It may not be wise to say these words out loud to the NBP player but at least say them to yourself.
Favourite NBP threats:
“The next letter you receive will be from my lawyer!”
“I am going to report you to _ _ _(any authority that goes after naughty people) _ _ _ _ “
“I’m cutting you out of my will!
“You’ll never see your grandchildren / money / property again!”
Also on this website
More Pages on this website and in your free book:
NBP players use child-like approaches to deal with their issues
NBP players seldom reach true grown up emotional maturity. Behind their power plays and disempowering games you can see a kid or at most a youngish teenager, but a very clever one, trying to cope with life, using kids’ strategies and child-like approaches to life’s problems. Examples:
1. Exquisitely sensitive reactions to imagined hurts or insults. To misunderstand, misjudge or even ignore them is a terrible thing to do to a poor little innocent victim.
2. If criticised or corrected responds not just with anger but with far more dramatic reactions or opera-level histrionics (remarkably like a kid’s tantrum!)
3. Each time NBPs reduce someone’s power they believe that makes them more powerful (so similar to a playground bully)
4. If they are hurting that gives them the right to hurt or punish others! (a child’s game of victim-martyr)
5. I want what I want, and I want it NOW! (impatient kid) whether it fits in with your plans or not.
6. So much of the time I’m hurting or I’m unhappy or both and that’s your fault. (a kid’s strategy, seeking attention and sympathy as a lead up before asking for something)
7. If someone else has power NBP players feel entitled as a right to take it from them (the way a child takes or breaks other kid’s toys). In this case trying to undermine, unbalance or disempower power levels in people close to them.
8. A child-like need to attach themselves to people with any kind of power, but once attached and engaged starting to take some of that power (or a lot if they can) by any means, fair or unfair. (like a kid in a candy store)
This website is aimed at helping you protect yourself from all this.
Websites in our Growing Awareness and Flying Awareness Series -
|Checklist for NBP|
|No power over NBP|
|Avoid labelling with NBP|
|Your PowerOver NBP|
|Games NBP Play|
|NBP Case Studies|
|How NBP is created|
|Anti labelling Kit|
|More notes on NBP|
|Don't Give Your power Away|
|Question old rules|
|Sorces of Power|
|Self Defeating RSDP|
|DTD Developmental Trauma Disorder|
|Is it Safe for me to Change|
|Personal or Impersonal|
|The Path and the Holes|
|More About John Nutting|