Facts You need to know to protect Yourself
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1. People with narcissistic patterns don’t just thrive on attention, it is essential. They are hooked like addicts on attention and drama, almost like drugs of choice. In their eyes, the degree of attention or admiration they get from others is needed to define them as
“..... who they are and how much they matter in the world”.
IMPORTANT! Before going any further, I need to point out that although NBP Players may inflict massive damage and cause terrible pain to those around them, they are actually very badly damaged individuals rather than just mean and nasty. They experienced some kind of on-going severe childhood abuse or trauma. As a result of that constant trauma, deep inside NBP Player failed to develop empathy, boundaries and a healthy sense of self-esteem. Remind yourself, that’s the reason they have to be so good at doing the things they do, using their complex NBP Player defence systems including their safe but false ‘public masks’ while causing harm to those around them
Without attention and drama they suffer severe emotional pain, so they will do anything to maintain their supply.
They change their pattern to match their audience. “Whatever works”
If they are seeking attention from a powerful or high level professional person they can be ultra charming, sparkling or seductive depending on the target.
With a more caring audience they can adopt a “Dramatic Victim” mask to gain sympathy, usually with a high degree of success.
If they perceive even the slightest sign of insecurity they will switch on their controlling dominant character, become pushy, demanding, running guilt trips, creating drama or often just being plain annoying as long as this helps them to stay as the centre of attention.
Pity the person who displays a need for peace and harmony. That’s one thing they will be denied by the NBP Player. Peace for them is not important, since it would mean loss of attention, Criticising, blaming and arguing is one of their more powerful ways of maintaining engagement.
Creating conflict by blaming the peacekeeper for something they have not done is a favourite way of keeping that person from disengaging while the target attempts (with no chance of success) to defend the false accusation.
2. Spending too much time and energy drawing attention to themselves. “Look at me! Look at me!” with an air of being so exceptional that they deserve or are specially entitled to this level of attention.
Often they do this to the point of excluding other people, or drawing attention away from anyone else. If you even seem likely to attract attention you will be treated as a threat.
3. A combination of Denial and Defence. Severe discomfort acknowledging when they might have made a mistake or were actually wrong about something, quickly focussing blame on somebody or something else as the sole cause, totally responsible for the mistake. An NBP Player will over react even to mild criticism about them, to the point of rage. Ordinary “rules” are for you and others to follow. The NBP Player is exempt from these rules or has their own rule book which is different.
4. On the other hand they are hyper vigilant watching for any sign of criticism,. Even when there is none they will often imagine, internalise and over-react to a comment by someone which was actually not at all critical of the NBP Player.
5. Expressing a genuine, “I was wrong about that,” acknowledging their regret, even saying “sorry” is very difficult for NBP Players. They may be able to project and artificial empathy but it will have a hollow ring about it and it will only be short-term.
6. Dismissing, undermining, criticising, minimising, denigrating or attempting to disempower other people, are all intentional, as ways to make the NBP Player look better by comparison.
7. Emotional age locked at 11-15 years. If you look closely at their emotional age you will see that it’s is locked somewhere around 11-15 years maximum. Regardless of what the calendar says they are still only able to act in ways they learned as a kid, but a very smart, very cunning kid. There is no grown-up on board or driving their bus.
8. Amazing and very powerful engaging skills but without real commitment. The level of attention and engaging contact with anyone who is useful is often extreme. (See next page). Because they are unable to handle commitment NBP Player do something different called enmeshment.
9. Incredible charm is only a short term mask. When it suits an NBP Player to attract an audience or look exceptional in public their ability to charm just one powerful figure or a whole room is incredible.
Only those close to the NBP Player, usually someone in a relationship with them, get to see the change, once the public audience is no longer present. Minutes or even seconds later the NBP Player has changed and is speaking bitterly or angrily about how they really saw their recent “audience”. The attacks and criticism are often extreme.
It’s as though the NBP Player finds their “charming” mask so uncomfortable they need to rip it off and get back to being the true NBP Player they really are.
10. Asking for an improvement or a change is a waste of your time. NBP Player is an empathy free boundary free zone. Their patterns are strongly self-serving. (See next page)
If a change will make them look better they will want it as soon as possible, specially if you are the one who has to change. Otherwise NBP Player are very resistant to change, specially inside themselves. In their eyes to change would mean admitting they had made a mistake or had until now been less than perfect!
Don’t waste your energy asking for it to change or even hoping things might get a bit better. Ignore a NBP Player when they promise they will change with words like “From now on things will be different!”
Treat that as a warning because if you continue to engage after that, things will be different for you. They could be twice as bad as before.
11. Treating some people close to them like “appliances” rather than human beings. To explain, when someone else has the opportunity to be useful or to help the NBP Player they will be praised, appreciated, sometimes to excess. When they are not able to be useful they are completely ignored or even discarded. Targets often say it feels as though they have been “unplugged and put away in the cupboard,” until it’s time to take them out and use them again.
12. One individual is often singled out as the “golden child” if it’s a family member, or similarly the “golden person” in a larger circle. This individual will be constantly praised in public and in private, because cultivating that person means that the NBP Player has greater access to their skills and abilities which are used to make the NBP Player look good.
But even the golden person can find themselves unplugged and discarded if they are no longer willing or available to keep playing their role as the golden one. Usually, quite quickly another person is appointed to the golden position.
Often this is intended as a lesson or punishment for the rejected ex-golden individual who may then “behave better” in which case they will be reinstated as the golden one. The temporary replacement will quickly be rejected, blamed or punished as responsible the whole situation.
Other people are ranked as close or distant friends or appliances in terms of how useful they are to the NBP Player at the time.
13. NBP Player relationship patterns differ depending on whether the person is a family member, a close friend, a spouse or a lover. Examples:
If they decide they want you to fall in love with them you are in real danger
Their extreme skill in creating engagement means that if they decide you will be useful to them they will make themselves extra charming, irresistible even seductive with promises of total commitment but always some time in the future.
To increase the connection they may (for a start) display extreme generosity but more often there are only promises of gifts some time in the future. Some promises might even come true but only if you continue to maintain that high level of appreciation and attention they crave.
For a while you may become their new Golden Person. It’s very easy to fall in love with them, very hard to fall out again later on, even when your emotional pain becomes unbearable.
Hi-jacking your close friends or a family member
The NBP Player will naturally want to get more attention from your friend or your children than you receive. Over time, they can decide the time and attention has to be theirs alone. That means getting you right out of the picture. Once the NBP Player decides you need to be excluded they will set up a powerful engagement process with the other person, described as hi-jacking. The NBP Player will convince your friend or family member that they have to end contact with you. The closer the NBP Player’s relationship is with you the more likely one or two of your best friends or even a family member being hi-jacked.
Have you ever introduced a long term friend to your NBP Player partner? Have you noticed how quickly the two of them form a strong bond which at first seems so good for everyone. Then slowly you find yourself somehow being moved a bit further away. In some cases your old friend may cease contacting you altogether.
You will have no idea why and if you ask your old friend about it your question will be sidestepped. You have become blacklisted and sadly there seems to be no right of appeal.
If this seems familiar it’s time to go the the NBP Player checklist and see just how many items might apply to the individual you are looking at.
Narcissistic type Behaviour Patterns
or NBP Player - Some more notes
Also on this website
More Pages on this website and in your free book:
|Checklist for NBP|
|No power over NBP|
|Avoid labelling with NBP|
|Your PowerOver NBP|
|Games NBP Play|
|NBP Case Studies|
|How NBP is created|
|Anti labelling Kit|
|More notes on NBP|
|Don't Give Your power Away|
|Question old rules|
|Sorces of Power|
|Self Defeating RSDP|
|DTD Developmental Trauma Disorder|
|Is it Safe for me to Change|
|Personal or Impersonal|
|The Path and the Holes|
|More About John Nutting|